When I was recruited to write a chapter for “The Dangerous Case of Donald Trump” in 2017 I knew my approach would be very different from the other writers, all esteemed and established mental health professionals. They generally wrote chapters consistent with a traditional psychiatric diagnostic approach: Trump has Delusional Disorder or Trump has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. In contrast, I compared Trump to an abusive partner, writing about the core shame intolerance of Trump and those like him, which lead them to blame-shift, gaslight and lie to maintain a feeling of coercive control over a partner. I predicted — correctly — that as president Trump would engage in all of the types of behavior that these Other-blamers engage in during abusive relationships.
And now the New York Times Podcast has an episode titled What Autocrats Have in Common with Abusers. In it, Masha Gessen talks with Rachel Louise Snyder, a journalist who has covered domestic violence, gender-based violence, and sex trafficking. They list commonalities between authoritarian governments and societies, such as Russia, where Gessen spent their childhood, and personal relationships that involve a power imbalance or even violence.
The podcast draws these comparisons well, listing
- Mechanisms of control: The Soviet state controlled where people worked, lived, traveled and more. Abusers often couch their control in terms of a loving form of protection, but exert control over a partner’s money, work, and outside relationships. Just as in authoritarian states, the threat of violence is used powerfully, so that actual violence is not as needed.
2. Use of violent language: Trump has for years felt unconstrained to use aggressive words in public and private (“Just punch them and I’ll protect you” and “I grab them by the pussy”). Now he even makes threats against entire countries (“obliterating” Iran.) Just like a domestic abuser or a mob boss, Trump issues vague threats, such as “you better do the right thing.” Abusers often blame the victim (“Look what you made me do, you brought it on yourself, she’s not obedient”) and this blame-shifting is core to all types of narcissistic personalities who cannot tolerate being held accountable. They have to affix blame on anyone else, and there is copious evidence that Trump certainly cannot bear being held accountable and cannot tolerate blame or shame.
3. Invoking a special relationship: Autocratic leaders and abusers use intermittent rewards and gifts to convince their followers and victims that “we have a special bond that no one else can understand.” By creating a state of dependency and gratitude, they form trauma bonds that are difficult for the victim to break free of emotionally. Many victims of interpersonal violence have an unhealthy tolerance for abuse because they crave approval and submission toward a more powerful partner, often a re-creation of a childhood relationship with a parent or sibling.
4. Creating unpredictability and instability: The feeling of “walking on eggshells” is one of the most common descriptions of an abusive relationship, and who in the US today doesn’t feel like we are all dealing with complete unpredictability in our political, social, and economic world? Trump has created in just a few months in his second term a state of confusion that we all are struggling to manage. In this state, victims of abuse do not have the mental capacity to make plans for the future, function well, and gain strength to protest or leave.
5. Self-policing: In Soviet-era Russia and many other totalitarian states, residents policed their own actions because they knew not only would they get arrested, but that the state might arrest any number of coworkers, friends and family as well. No one wanted to bring down their social circle by dissenting or even making an innocent mistake. Gessen noted that one expert describes totalitarian regimes as engaging in “collective hostage taking” — the threat was enough to keep many people in line. Abusers often threaten harm toward children or friends or a victim’s job situation as a way to make the victim self-police her behavior — providing the abuser an easier task at control. My second husband shot at my beloved dog once when I had fled the home after an abusive episode. After that I knew I’d better not cause trouble, or my dog could be harmed. The victim checks their own behavior and becomes the abuser or the police state itself.
6. Isolation: Most domestic abusers use social isolation to prevent victims from gaining knowledge about the abuse from others and having resources that might permit them to leave. Residents of autocracies often feel isolated because they cannot share concerns with neighbors and they cannot discuss the realities being distorted — for fear of being reported and arrested. They might want to leave the country, but don’t have the information or resources to emigrate. They also know that they would leave family and friends behind, a big decision to make. In the same way, many abuse victims feel unable to leave a relationships for fear of the impact on their children or the loss of other relationships.
As Trump feels more secure in his ability to control and abuse our entire country, and even the rest of the world, his bullying language has gotten more frequent and extreme. His name calling of female journalists occurs almost daily and almost every independent journalist or media outlet is “fake news.” His indignation at being questioned is routine. He literally makes threats like: “How dare you challenge me?” and “Be careful what you say.”
The podcast ends with a recipe for change: Just as in abusive relationships, we must speak up. Silence permits abuse to continue. We must label Trumpism’s lawbreaking and moral norm violations accurately and help one another in any way we can.
The main reason I took a risk and wrote the chapter in “Dangerous Case of Donald Trump was because I had been the victim of an abusive partner and of various narcissistic abusive relationships in my life. I saw exactly the type of dangerous person Trump was and now others are coming to that conclusion as well. I knew that speaking up was a powerful way to break the spell of narcissistic and abusive relationships.
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On Bill Moyers: Selections from The Dangerous Case of Donald Trump, by Harper West
Blog: 2017 Prediction: Trump will Destroy Everyhing; 2026: It’s Coming True!
Trump Destroys America, Just as All Abusers Destroy Relationships