When I was in an relationship with an abusive narcissist, he would often accuse me of flirting with men and cheating on him. I now recognize this was almost certainly projection of his own sins, but at the time I didn’t have that understanding. I was a conscientious, moral person who valued loyalty. So my first instinct was to question myself. Even though I was not a flirtatious person, I wondered if I was flirting. Should I not have smiled at the checkout clerk? I could never see truth in his complaints, but still doubted myself. As often happens with narcissists, he took it too far. When he accused me of having an affair with the flamboyantly gay man in my office who was 20 years younger than me — well, even I could see that was just nuts. I left him and it was a great decision.
When victims of narcissistic abuse come into therapy, it is often difficult for me to sort out what is projection and gaslighting and what is fact. What is easy to see if their high levels of self-doubt and lack of confidence in their own reality.
Recently, a woman — I’l call her Sarah — came into therapy stating her husband accused her of being a narcissist. I immediately wondered if she actually was a narcissist because narcissists rarely hold themselves accountable and seek a solution after hearing this type of feedback. The core of the narcissist or Other-blamer as I call them is to deflect blame and shame onto others and rarely take responsibility for their actions.
Sarah tells me her husband reads and posts a lot online about narcissists. I’ve found with more widespread awareness of narcissism that started with the Trump era (aided by our book “The Dangerous Case of Donald Trump” in 2017), more people are aware of this character trait. This can be good for victims, who have their eyes opened, but it has also created a new tool for actual narcissists to use against their partners.
Sure enough, as Sarah shares aspects of her marriage, her husband exhibits many Other-blamer traits that create self-doubt, including these:
1. Gaslighting
Gaslighting has gotten a lot of buzz lately, and it certainly is a common tactic to create doubt. This covert technique is difficult for me to spot in therapy because it may not even be noticed by the partner being targeted, so they don’t report it. As in the original Gaslight movie, the coercive partner creates a situation where the victim feels “crazy” and destabilized, so that she struggles to trust her own judgment, even about something like flickering lights. It can include things like “joking” criticisms or teasing that sets the stage for the victim to feel off balance. Consistent negative comments can undermine a belief in one’s talents, even in the face of facts to the contrary. I had one case where the couple was decorating a new house and he (the narcissist) agreed to certain decor items, even though he didn’t like them. But then the wife would come home and find these items gone. To add insult to the injury, the husband would then complain to the children that she didn’t decorate the home.
2. Lies
Of course, narcissists also use overt lies that provoke doubt, often related to pre-existing insecurities in the victim. I’ve likened Other-blamers to a shark finding blood in the water, because they have a special talent for uncovering and maliciously using a victim’s fears and doubts against them. If you wonder if you are smart enough, the abuser will often state they think you aren’t capable of getting a certain job or taking a college course.
3. “Firehose” arguing style
Like many confrontational narcissists, Sarah’s husband uses a “firehose” technique during disputes where he harangues her for hours until she has to leave the house or puts in earbuds to ignore him. Who wouldn’t begin to have self-doubt after this torture? Much of his onslaught is criticism of her for past mistakes that he rehashes with every conflict, holding these over her head. Other-blamers often dredge up historical wrongs and can hold grudges for years — tools to make it look like the victim is to blame and has a long list of faults. Victims often hear repetitive laundry lists of flaws and — because they are Self-Blamers — easily begin to doubt themselves.
4. Provoking defensiveness
Sarah eventually reacts to these onslaughts of blame and recrimination with some self-defensive statements. He then gets to label her as defensive and a narcissist, because she “can’t take accountability.” However, even the most calm, deliberate person will become defensive and have to respond to egregious falsehoods after being berated for hours. Yet he loses sight of the fact that HE is also not taking accountability in any of these conversations. This is something I often ask victims: Did he say he was wrong? Did he own his part of the issue? The answer is almost always no.
I Sarah ask if she is defensive in this way at work or with other family or friends. Turns out, she isn’t! It’s only after hours of verbal abuse does she start to defend herself and her reputation. This indicates it’s more likely his provocations that are the problem, not that she’s a narcissist.
5. Moving the goalposts
Another way Other-blamers create doubt in victims is by constantly moving the goalposts. They will change the rules abruptly, so that the victim begins to wonder what is real and will question her every behavior. Many often state they don’t think they can change and maintain that change, likely a result of these shifting rules. For Sarah, this showed up as her husband constantly saying she hasn’t done enough to fix herself. I asked what he has offered to change — like maybe stop berating her for hours. Of course, the answer was: Nothing.
6. Inability to listen
One of the essential needs we have as humans is to feel seen, heard and believed. This doesn’t mean everyone has to agree with us 100% of the time, but that they attempt to understand and relate to us. Narcissists generally do not listen well because of the basic fact that they don’t want to hear what you have to say — especially if it is contrary to their opinion. The core of good listening is “seeking to understand,” which is not a goal for people with an empathy deficit.
Narcissists do damage to a sense of reality by not listening to or respecting the victim’s concerns. This makes the victim wonder if her needs or requests have merit. Many victims lose sight of even simple moralities. If he continues to insist that going to the bar until 3 am alone with his female work colleague is appropriate, then she can start to doubt her sense of right and wrong.
7. Highly critical
Other-blamers are often highly critical of others, yet cannot tolerate any criticism themselves. This hypocrisy alone is confusing to victims. It reinforces their tendency to self-blame and to be their own source of criticism and doubt. My biggest complaint about Other-blamers is that in relationships this constant dumping of blame onto the victim distorts reality, making them question their own traits, character, integrity and morals. Once destabilized, the victim becomes a shadow of themselves as they lose sight of their identity, sense of self, and beliefs.
Creating and fanning the flames of self-doubt in the victim is major part of the strategy of Other-blamers. If they create a dynamic where the victim is weakened, loses confidence and loses her sense of reality, then she is a much weaker opponent. She will start to doubt herself, which makes her more likely to avoid criticizing him. She will start to self-censor and edit her criticisms of him. Sarah even started to believe that she was a narcissist. This is exactly the point of a narcissistic abuser’s efforts — she is now doing his work for him. He can relax down into knowing she will be less likely to question or criticize him — leaving his fragile ego free from the reality of his flaws. Sadly, it leaves her broken and a shell of herself.
Beware of narcissists who project their own narcissism onto you. If you’re feeling high levels of unwarranted self-doubt, pause and question if someone is working to distort reality and make you question yourself.
SOLUTIONS TO GAIN SELF-TRUST
- Tune into your own feelings. Apps like “How I Feel” can provide notifications to check in randomly throughout the day. Books like “The Language of Emotional Intelligence” by Jeanne Segal, PhD, can be invaluable. However, it is most important to notice emotions that arise in response to the actions of other people. Emotions can keep us safe from physical dangers, but also from dangerous people. Be aware of how your body and nervous system respond when you’re in the presence of others — do you feel safe or unsafe?
- Notice especially feelings of disgust and indignation. These are moral emotions that allow us to make sense of and judge other people and situations. Simplistically, if we witness someone doing something harmful to another person, we should feel disgust and indignation. I’ve written about the difference between anger and indignation, which is an important emotion that helps us discern and react to wrongful behaviors. Unfortunately, many who are in coercive relationships have tuned out their righteous anger because they’ve learned it triggers the Other-blamer to engage in angry blame shifting. Listen to all emotions, but especially these moral emotions.
- Tune into your values, morals, beliefs and principles. Make a list of things you care deeply about and provide meaning to your life. Do you value kindness or generosity or learning or care for the environment? How would you inhabit and exhibit these beliefs in your life? What is stopping you from doing that now?
- Learn to have an opinion. Ask yourself: What do I like? Narcissists usually have lots of opinions or at least make it clear when your opinion doesn’t agree with theirs through anger or cold-shouldering. Victims begin to walk on eggshells and tune out awareness of their own likes, needs, wants, morals, and values. For example, a narcissist may be spending too much money, but their partner’s more reasonable frugality is dismissed, so the victim begins to doubt her own values. Start small by noticing intuitively if you like the blue shirt or the red shirt or the scent of the cedar candle or the patchouli candle. Many victims struggle with indecisiveness because they haven’t been permitted to express an opinion. Build up to larger issues and situations where your opinion matters — such as if your partner is being loving or cruel.
- Mindfulness meditation practices can help you slow down, learn self-control, and be more self-aware in general. They can also make you aware of your emotions and intuition. Consider Kristen Neff’s fierce compassion practices, such as the Protective Self-Compassion Break.
- Un-freeze yourself. Many victims limit their activities, hobbies, friends or interests to cater to the narcissist. Or they take on the narc’s interests, even if they don’t enjoy them. Get unstuck and experiment with a new activity. Bonus: You get to tune in to your experience of this and decide if you like it.
- Check in with others, such as a therapist or trusted friends or family. If the narcissist is describing you as “lazy” or “stupid” or “argumentative”, see if that tracks with the experience of others. While this step can be helpful at times, I recommend avoiding relying on it, as we instead want to spend more time on the next step…
- Check in with yourself! Most importantly, pause and reflect on your own experience, thoughts, opinions, and values. Honor these experiences and give them weight. They matter!
- Journaling can be helpful with all of the above reflections. Write down how you feel about a certain person or situation. Describe your own reactions and opinions, don’t focus so much on what your partner or another person thinks or feels. (You probably do that too much already!) Express opinions in a journal safely that you might not be able to express elsewhere. This gets you comfortable with expressing opinions, being authentic, and having strong beliefs.
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