Andrea was turning 18, an age when we generally assume a teen is eagerly awaiting becoming an adult. We expect they will look forward to enjoying that feeling of approaching independence and autonomy. Instead, Andrea was dreading this birthday, as she had for all of the birthdays she could recall even going back to elementary school. What was going on? 

Andrea had been coming to therapy for several years for depression and anxiety. She was a very smart girl, but tended to over-think, over-analyze, and engage in a lot of self-judgment. She had grown up feeling a lot of pressure to perform in school and to achieve success academically. As with many children today there was tremendous pressure for her to get into a college and do well in a career. She worried about these things even at the age of 10 and younger.

We had worked on many issues related to perfectionism and over-striving and she had come a long way building her skills at self-compassion. She had reduced her tendency to overthink and become anxious. We had successfully worked on corralling her inner critic. But there were apparently still insecurities that caused her to become judgmental of herself around this celebratory holiday.

Her birthday seem to be a milestone that caused her to reflect on her life. This can be a helpful experience for many people who use their annual birthday as an opportunity to enjoy their achievements of the past year or course-correct and make changes in their life. However, Andrea’s only reflection was that she was failing in many ways and that she did not accomplish enough in the past year. Once again, the negative, judgmental thoughts predominated the positive.

Surprisingly, existential issues also played a role. Even at the age of 18 she felt death was approaching too quickly and she did not have time to make her life productive! Her excessive guilt, perfectionism, and responsibility were showing up even at an event where merely celebrating that we are alive should be the main focus. 

Ideally, we should having a balanced reflection about the past year, so that we can learn from mistakes or regrets, but also have an ability to give ourselves validation for successes, effortful striving, and lessons learned. For people like Andrea who engage far too much in self-blame and guilt, the focus is much more on the negative side of the balance sheet. In contrast, with the use of self-compassion skills we should recognize that all of us flawed humans have some failures and regrets, but that we also need to treat ourselves with kindness for those very normal missteps. 

Without self-compassion to deal with guilt and shame, every decision or step into the future can be experienced with dread, even a normal birthday celebration. 

Andrea’s overthinking also showed up in a tendency to have to make meaning out of everything. An 18th birthday wasn’t just a simple time to celebrate with family and friends. She was so driven and perfectionistic that she had to analyze the past year and her entire life in a way to derive some lesson to be learned to make forward progress in her path to self-awareness. While this self-reflection has good attributes, it can be taken too far, especially if the focus is on self-judgment and failure. 

Andrea’s low self-worth also caused feelings that she was not good enough to even have a birthday party. This is often the case with people who are highly self-blaming or fearful. They may be fearful of being attention-seeking or grandiose — even on a birthday when they are culturally permitted to be the center of attention. Many people fear asking for something such as a birthday or a gift because they fear appearing greedy or needy for attention.

Andrea had no memory of having a birthday party since about fifth grade because of these fears of being the center of attention. I believe there is also a sense that if a person is the center of attention there is more opportunity for a failure, such as a social mistake. Perhaps an incident at an early birthday party caused Andrea and those like her to become self-conscious about their behaviors. 

I also believe that this type of personality may have been influenced by a parent or sibling who is very attention seeking. The fear of becoming grandiose and entitled may cause a person to swing to the other side of the spectrum and be excessively shy and humble. 

As with all things in human psychology we need to seek balance.  An unseemly grasping for attention is unhealthy and off-putting, but false and excessive humility is also inappropriate. Birthdays are a time to graciously welcome the praise and love of our family and friends. Life has few enough opportunities for this experience. It is sad that some people shut down these possibilities because of their hesitation to become a burden to others and by their own fears and inadequacies. 

If this sounds like you, for your next birthday try something new. See if you can lean into having a birthday party or initiating an activity that you might not normally, such as getting friends to go to a concert or event. If you get gifts, accept them graciously and warmly. Don’t say, “you should’t have.” Welcome in the feelings of love and celebration you get from others and feel that you deserve them, because you do!