Why does he abuse me? Stop asking this question!
Why does he abuse me? Stop asking this question! Victims of abusive and narcissistic relationships often ask “why does he abuse me?” They do this 1) because our primitive brains engage in pattern-finding for make sense of fear 2) trauma bonding 3) love bombing 4) self-blaming tendencies toward “fixing” the self 5) Victim blaming by the abuser 6) victims trained not to hold the abuser accountable
How to Support Grieving and Traumatized Teens
It can be difficult to know how to support grieving and traumatized teens following an event such as the gun violence episode at Oxford High School in Oxford, Michigan. I regularly see clients from this town, which has grown a lot in the past 10 years, but still...
Communicating Feelings In the Moment to Build Intimacy or Gain Power
Where does communication go wrong? Often, I find that when clients tell me about their communication struggles what goes unsaid is often more important that what is said. In addition, I find that saying what is being experienced in the moment is very powerful, but it...
Narcissistic Opposition to COVID Safety On Full Display
As expertly deconstructed by blogger Lucian K. Truscott IV, COVID deaths are increasingly segmented into “red states” with high rates of death and low rates of vaccination and “blue states” with the opposite. As this disparity is becoming increasingly obvious,...
How Narcissists Damage Relationships with their Lack of Accountability
One of my local radio stations has a morning show feature called Dealbreakers, where they have one person call in to complain about a partner and seek advice about whether this complaint is a dealbreaker worth ending the relationship over. I heard one show...
Stop Explaining Yourself to a Narcissist
In parenting and relationships I’ve often given this advice: See how few words you can use to talk to the other person. Endless explaining is a power giveaway. If your narcissistic partner is not negotiating in good faith and seeking to understand your position, it really won’t matter how much you explain. Your attempts to make him understand you will never overcome his need to NOT understand you.
How to Stop Ruminating and be More Compassionate
I was working with a patient on how to stop ruminating when he said something that was very insightful and perfectly described the process of how to be more compassionate to yourself. Like many people, Ashok (not his real name) ruminated about his past mistakes...
Do You Feel Guilty When You Don’t Feel Guilty?
Some people are so well practiced at feeling guilty that they feel guilty when they don’t feel guilty. What do I mean by this riddle? Let’s consider a scenario of a young woman, Charlotte (fictionalized account) who has been estranged from her grandfather for years....
Help Your Child Manage Unworthiness and Identify Shame
Aliesha, 9, had reluctantly followed her parents from the waiting room into my office and slumped into a chair. Her parents immediately launched into a description of her latest behaviors and their concerns about how this would cause her to flunk a grade and be held...
How to Identify Low Self-Worth in Children
Would you believe that I can spot low self-worth and poor shame tolerance even in a child as young as three? It’s true. Sometimes it is obvious. I have worked with three- and four-year old children who say things like: “I’m no good,” and “I’m a bad kid.” These...