How to Talk to a Narcissist (Other-blamers)
- The first rule with Other-blamers is: Don’t talk to them if you don’t have to. Disconnect from the relationship physically if possible. If you must deal with a narcissist…
- Don’t start a conversation with a narcissist without a specific goal. What do you SPECIFICALLY want to achieve? What boundaries do you want to set? What do you plan to do/refuse to do? What do you want the narcissist to do/stop doing? What consequences will you enforce if the narcissist does not conform? If you don’t plan the conversation, the Other-blamer will blame-shift, distract, zig-zag away from the topic and you will end up with no resolution. Write down your points and refer to them if it helps you stay on topic.
- Realize Other-blamers operate from a very different set of morals and values from yours. Don’t expect mutual, reciprocal, kind, generous or compassionate responses. Lower your standards and expectations. For an Other-Blamer, the goal a conversation is not mutual understanding or compromise — it is to humiliate you so you do not “win” and make them look “bad” and so that you are disempowered and afraid to challenge the narcissist in future conflicts.
- Learn the tactics of Other-blamers and be ready to spot them in the conversation and call them out: “I notice that you changed the subject.” “I noticed that you are blaming me for your problems.” “I notice that you are acting like the victim here.” “I notice that you don’t seem to be able to apologize for your mistake.” “I notice that you are getting very angry for no reason.” This is called Process versus Content communication. You are taking about the process or HOW the conversation is proceeding, not the content (Content is the subject of the argument: That the narcissist failed to pay a bill or stayed out all night, etc.)
- Beware “the firehose.” Most Other-Blamers spew out a wide range of topics from past and present at their victims, hoping to distract and destabilize their partner. Don’t fall for this trap. Keep them on the subject and do not try to defend yourself from an onslaught of irrelevant accusations.
- Manage the conversational topic and tone. Initiate the subject, redirect if they change the subject, end the conversation on your terms. Speak slowly if they are speaking quickly, take a pause if they are trying to rush you, and do not be bullied into a decision that you are not ready to make. Take your power back!
- Remember that narcissists are emotionally stunted: Imagine they are a small child throwing a tantrum.
- Choose your own mood and don’t get swept away by the narcissist’s mood. Don’t get drawn into the drama and blame shifting of the Other-blamer.
- Breathe! Stay present.
- Respond, don’t react. If you get angry, they will just throw this back on you and make you feel to blame.
- Maintain eye contact.
- Stand with your feet firmly on the ground, have erect posture, relax your face, don’t be submissive.
- Speak confidently and firmly. Speak calmly and evenly.
- Speak clearly, unambiguously, directly.
- Practice speaking concisely, with minimal content. Say only the very minimum you need to. The more information you give a narcissist, the more he has to use against you.
- Don’t justify or defend your behaviors. Narcissists want you to take their attacks personally and shift the conversation to your faults. Don’t get sucked into this manipulation.
- Pause the conversation if you need to get a grip on the situation and your nerves. Lie if you must: “I have to go to the bathroom.”
- Remember narcissists are very insecure, scared and fearful of truth and vulnerability. Remember that you hold the power if you speak truth to their power. You can unmask their vulnerabilities and weaknesses.
- Be matter-of-fact. Don’t give them any emotion, because it will be used to manipulate you. Your indifference will upset them.
- Disconnect from the narcissist’s emotional energy.
- Be vague and don’t argue back: “That’s interesting.” “I understand how you feel.” Sometimes no response is very powerful and will upset them.
- Insist on calm, respectful tone and words. Leave if they become angry.
- Appeal to their self-interest in a solution.
- Notice changes of subject and return to the subject at hand: “I hear you complaining that I bought a new dress for the anniversary party, but we are actually talking about you going to the casino and blowing $5,000 without discussing it with me.”
- If they can’t be accountable and compromise or apologize, end the conversation and agree to disagree.
- Be prepared to walk away. Consider it is like buying a car: If you are desperate to own the car, the salesman will know this and jack up the price. You must be willing to walk away to maintain power in the negotiation. Same with a narcissist. Perhaps this is literally disengaging from the relationship permanently. Maybe it is putting a pause on the conversation. Maybe it is caring a bit less about what he thinks!
These are just a few of the ways you can use to talk to an Other-Blamer, but know that you have power!
How do you manage a narcissist wife
The Resources Tab on this site has a section on Narcissism/Relational Abuse that has articles that deal with how to manage narcissists. Hope that helps!
My bf of 3vmonths ghost ed me just because I said. I’m busy can I call tomorrow. Then finally said I was the one who stop contacting him after 3 weeks. I said hi s couple times… A narcissist?
Do all those things. Keep firm in your belief. Don’t get drawn into emotion. Warm the co partner up to your opinion, as the same topic will come up multiple times:
Divorce her. It is like ripping the bandaid. Painful at first but you need to let the healing begin. I have done it; so I say from experience.
Good point. I will rewrite that. The problem with narcissists is that pretty much anything you do will upset them, unless it is exactly what they want. So being matter-of-fact will upset them, but less than arguing with them will.
By divorcing her. Don’t waste your breath or energy on somebody who will always think they’re right & inferior in everything they do.
I need help dealing with my partner of 6 years (he’s 67 and I’m 61). He’s has two failed marriages and says his exes here mad. He turns every argument about me around and has gotten violent once but now plays with my head. I no longer seem to be keep him happy. He starts talking down to at me an d makes fun of the weight I’ve put on. He bashes my head soon as something is not ok an d he brings me down and talks in a very angry disrespectable voice. If I reply with the same tone he says it’s me that is talking badly. This happens whenever he wants or when he can find something wrong and then starts with the foul language, telling me I should have known what he needed. If I’ve not done the task properly his words are abusive. All I find myself doing is crying. I get my bag and leave the house for a walk. I’m scared. I’m turning into him. I’m not even sure I love him anymore cause I’m starting to lose my mind and my temper. I recently told him I’m a product of how he treats me. He will say it’s me who treats him bad and he was a loving caring person to me. I’m depressed so please can u help me? I have 3 kids all grown up and they don’t like him. I’m at my wit’s end, please help me.
I replied to this comment directly to her email: The best way to help yourself is to keep yourself safe – physically and emotionally. Most cities or counties have a domestic violence organization. Or call the national hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE or chat online at https://www.thehotline.org/ or text START to 88788. Speaking up and being assertive as I recommend in this blog is only for NON-VIOLENT emotionally abusive people and setting boundaries may only trigger anger and violence in those who are violent. You need to make a plan to leave and be safe and disengage from communicating after that. You are not married and don’t have children together, so leaving is simple. Perhaps you can get your children to help. Talk to someone at a domestic violence hotline before you say anything to him or do anything, like packing, because you leaving may trigger him to become even more violent. There are specific things you should do before you move out, such as make sure you have financial independence, a safe place to stay, and social support. Please leave this man who is violent, emotionally abusive, and extremely unlikely to get better and extremely likely to get worse, especially if you threaten to leave and then stay. Please take care of yourself.
Leave! Gather your things quietly & disappear while you still can. 💙
You don’t
Very difficult for me right now. I have three kids with narcissistic man. Refuse to help with the kids homework manipulate kids. I don’t know what to do now
great article, very well written, super helpful !!! so well explained, and very healing !!
thank you !!!!!!!
I’ve been texting only my parents because of their narcissistic control. Now I want to talk on the phone for Dad’s birthday. He’ll be 88 don’t know how much time he has left. What do I say when they ask why I only text? AJ
I second that!! I’ve read dozen of articles and this one is by far the best. Taking YOUR POWER BACK AT ALL COST!! Even if it means leaving their ass. You have to put your mental health first when dealing with these people!!!
My husband and I are separated. He is teetering between love bombing me, using aggressive words and trying to guilt me into taking him back and playing “victim” (he actively ignored me for over a month and has cheated on me more than once). He just started therapy (I think) last week. He’s had 1 or maybe 2 sessions. I am also in therapy and have been since he started ignoring me. I moved out 3 weeks after the ignoring started because I found out he was cheating. He STILL wouldn’t talk with me!
Well, NOW he wants to know if we will get back together or if we should move forward with a divorce. We have some business to take care of with property and I need that to happen. I also need to KNOW if he is willing to work on himself and make a commitment to me. I’ve tried to explain that this isn’t going to happen over night and I’m not ready to make a decision about our future until I see if he is willing to put the effort in to getting help. He’s been quiet for the past few days but today, he is pressuring me for an answer. When I asked why he just stated “Cuz I don’t like waiting and I really do miss you”. I don’t know how to respond? Any advice would be super appreciated!! Thank you!
Jenn: Best of luck with your situation, which is very complicated. It is difficult and dangerous to give specific advice, since I’d prefer if you come to your own conclusions. Consider: What makes it difficult to know how to respond? How do you FEEL when he does these things (pressure you, behave inappropriately, etc)? Your emotions and intuitions are the best guide.I think you DO know how to respond, but are uncomfortable or afraid of that response or answer. In terms of communication, I do advise to communicate very specifically and in detail. Set specific boundaries: “I want a 6-month separation, you must attend therapy weekly, and we must engage in couples therapy at least 20 times. You must stop seeing Miss/Mr X immediately and never cheat on me again. Then I’ll reconsider the situation, but this is not a promise to reconcile just because we check all those boxes.” Be very aware that Other-blamers/Narcissists rarely change and only with significant, prolonged therapy and if they are very motivated to do so. They are excellent liars, so they have no problem lying to you — cuz they lie to themselves every day with their lack of accountability.
He’s a total narcissist beware!! They don’t change 🤨
If he knows your going to be getting property or anything from him he will try to manipulate you into going back to him long enough to where you can’t get anything don’t listen to him remember he is a narcasist if you go back to him it will all start all over again trust that.
Harper thank you for this excellent piece of work. I’ve been through many years and much sadness with my son. And just reading you this evening, I realise I’ve got the message at last I’ll store your words in case I forget! Love from Australia….
Hello, very helpful article! My situation is different, I provide supervised visitation services and my client (the dad) is a narcissistic a hole. A judge ruled for him to complete 6 months of supervised visits and I am to write her a letter of his progress on “or before” February. So he is bullying me to yell the judge he doesn’t need supervised visits, which I won’t do. He is so exhausting!! He’s beating me down and this will help keep the boundaries strong. Thank you.
A Narcissistic person is very dangerous. The Narcissist relative, in my life, caused me to lose my job, my career and my professional reputation, a year before I was going to retire.
He had been fired from three jobs. I did not realize that his Narcissistic traits were why he was fired, while growing up with him.
He sent derogatory letters to my job without my knowledge. He implicated that I was in agreement with his negative opinions, when I was not.
I still do not know how he was able to damage my life so badly, when I worked so hard not to be like him. It has been very depressing, devastating and humiliating.
He refused to take any blame or responsibility for what he did. He called me a “ coward, “ for disagreeing with his actions. It has been over ten years, and I was never able to get the kind of job I had. He could not do anything to help me get my job back.
I learned to to keep him out of my affairs. I see that on some level, he wanted me to lose my job, like he did three times.
I hope I will be able to help anyone reading this. It has been a very painful experience, that I was not prepared for.
The sad thing was that I was the relative who always treated him with respect. So many of the others did not.
I’m so sorry for your struggles. Reminds me of other stories I’ve heard about an abusive ex-partner lying about someone being a drug user and getting them fired! Narcissists can be very vindictive and sadistic out of the blue and show no remorse for their behaviors.
Hi Michelle
I have a brother who in recent days I have come to realise is a narcissist. He has a long history of antisocial behaviour and brushes with the law. He has taken control of my elderly father since he lost his drivers license and is unable to work, and has fraudulently overturned the Powers of Attorney set up to safeguard from exactly this behaviour. He has called the police accusing me of stealing from my father, and exactly as in your case, I am the only person who has tried to help and advise him and treat him with respect. He is a vile character and articles like this have made me realise that I am not to blame for everything and anything he choses to throw at me. It is a horrendous situation. Safeguarding authorities are involved but he wields his power and control over them, so my only resolution is to step away, no matter how difficult it is. I am so sorry you are having to deal with the same nightmare.
Thanks, your comment was enlightening. I had similar problems in a government job with a narcissist who went out of his way to ruin my life -and he succeeded. I ended up in court and out of a job. Anyway, probably best not to post my case and affidavits here on a public forum. My case wasn’t dismissed at least.
However, there’s another man here in Ohio who went through a similar problem with a narcissistic local politico he was in dispute with. He won his civil cases. You can read about it at krlich.com . It’s an uplifting story of the little guy standing up to entrenched corruption.
I’ve been divorced around 4 yrs now and much happier. Was married 46 yrs and it was my ex brother-in-law who caused it all as he was the narcissist and my ex was his scapegoat. I didn’t eat up the narcissist’s lies, stealing, etc. but my ex did and this caused us many arguments and unhappiness for around 12 yrs and then there was the day, I said eliminate your brother from our lives or I’m out of here and he wouldn’t agree, take counseling or basically nothing so we divorced. My Ex was his brother’s scapegoat and I was paying the price. Go date, he’s still allowing it to happen and escalating so happy with my decision. Narcissist’s don’t change, believe me!! They will only cause you agony and mental pain! In my mind, they are Evil people!
My daughter in law is a narcissist.
She keeps our grand daughter away from us. Always an excuse to why they can’t bring her to see us. If we go to their house we are treated rudely. Only one family member has see the grand daughter.
My daughter took her life. The narcissist husband acts like nothing has happened.He is now keeping our 8 and 9 year old granddaughter s from seeing us for a visit at all. Any suggestions ?
I’m so sorry for your loss. You may have some legal options as grandparents to force visitations, but that’s often expensive, time-consuming, and destructive for the relationship. Have you tried talking to your son-in-law with patience and saying how you feel it would be helpful for the children to have a relationship with you — especially given the situation of the loss of their mother? May be ineffective, but at least you can say you tried before you attempt legal action.